My mom always told me to treat people how I want to be treated but... It's not nice to just spank people & pull their hair.

When I tell you to "Drink Responsibly" what I really mean is, "Don't Spill It".

Is there an app to delete your number out of other people's phones yet?

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

Ladies, search for guys that have goals and ambitions because 10 or 20 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay your bills.

I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the 1st place?

Weight can be lost... That ugly ass personality of yours, though... You're stuck with that shit.

What doesn't kill me usually drives me to drink.

You'd be amazed at how far in life you'll get by simply choosing to be nice to people, even when they've done nothing to deserve it.

Someone taking the time out to show you that you matter can change the course of an entire day.

If you don't eat her out like there's a prize at the bottom, she'll find someone that will.

If you would run on a treadmill instead of running your mouth, maybe you'd have an ass like mine...bitch.

If you're sexting him, and he doesn't end up rubbing one out at work... You're doing it wrong.

ORGASM: Instant mood changer.

A rockin body and a gorgeous face won't make up for an ugly attitude and a hateful heart.

Newsflash: Treating girls like absolute shit isn't sexy.

I share lots of things. The dick I'm riding isn't one of them.

Why are so many tweets about bfs, followers, and friends? They should be about bacon because bacon is amazing and can bring World Peace.

Draw Xs on his shoulders with your fingertips. When he askes you why, just say you're marking the spot your legs are going to be later.

For some moments in life there aren't any words. For others, there are all the words you should have said but didn't have the courage to.