It’s not you, it’s me. I’m the one that hates the sound of your voice & that thing you keep doing with your hair & OMG are you still here?

If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can see this, thank Al Gore.
If you can hear this, thank the LSD.

The worst part of being drunk in the morning is all of the traffic on the wrong side of the road. And the honking. The incessant honking.

The license plate says, “THXMOM.” The Ford Festiva says, “…for letting me live in your basement.”

I called in to the bar. Told them I'd be drinking from home today.

That is one nice fanny pack you have there, dude. I love the way it accentuates the way you are never ever going to have sex again.

Following ppl in the mall and sticking gold stars on them when they say something clever. Lots of stickers left. And 2 restraining orders.

Today is my lucky day! Just found $32, a granola bar, & a tire gauge in the glovebox. Probably not so lucky for whoever owns this car.

Sure, you can have my phone number. But first, what’s your Favstar rating? Oh. I see. Do you have a brother that’s funnier? Maybe a cousin?

Drink locally. Drunk tweet globally.

I asked my mom for recommendations on ways to save money. She suggested I drink less.

Anyone know of any good nursing homes?

Oh, Hi Random Guy w/ the unsolicited drink in your hand. I'm going to go ahead and pass on the date rape but thanks for thinking of me.

If we ever meet in person, please have your avatars ready as proof of ID.

You can't fix stupid.


Unless you've got really good aim.

When a guy asks what you do for a living he’ll probably walk away when you answer, ‘Your mom.’ But the look on his face is totally worth it.

How deep do you think I can get this letter opener into my jugular? I’m sorry. I interrupted. Please finish the story about your funny cats.

High school classmate tracked me down. Told me her son was studying to be a mime. You know, sometimes it’s OK to be ashamed of your kids.

I just helped my friend move. I drank all of his beer so he'd have less to carry. Because I'm a good person.

Stopped on my way home to buy a Christmas tree. The treadmill is full and I need something else to throw my clothes on.

Starring a RT is like sleeping with someone’s husband. Unless you also star the original. Which is like sleeping with the wife, too.