I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV(RTV) and play nothing but music videos

On my way to HR. I guess they didn't find "clock out with your cock out" as clever as I did.

I'm going through a dry spell. Even termites aren't interested in my wood.

I want to steal someone's phone who has 8000 followers and retweet the fuck out of myself

Pro tip: telling your girl she's taken shits bigger than your dick will not convince her to do anal.

It's crazy that we drug test our pro athletes but not our elected representatives.

If favstar retweets OMGTeenQuotes one more time I'm gonna don Lady Gaga's meat dress and hangglide into the lion's cage at the San Diego Zoo

So the name Snooki... Cross between snatch and wookie amirite?

Prostitutes advertise for the "girlfriend experience", while most guys want their girlfriends to give them the "prostitute experience".

Video killed the radio star, but autotune showed up at the funeral and moonwalked on the radio star's grave.

I like when it rains, because it validates my decision not to be homeless.

When I tweet, I imagine the leaders of the French military, sitting around a large table, exclaiming," We have no choice, we must retweet"

I'm sad about being single again, but excited about the prospect of having sex again.

I'll bet RuPaul was disappointed when he found out the name Dick Van Dyke was already taken

The best thing about women on twitter is that you don't have to look them in the eyes, you can stare directly at their tweets

You single people realize when you tweet that you are at home alone on a Saturday night, the rest of us don't feel pity, we feel jealousy.

I've let the Mayans handle my finances. I'm really fucked if there is a 2013.

Can you imagine how much toilet paper Kim Kardashian uses?

I hate to break it to you guys, but none of you have superpowers.

After witnessing childbirth, I am amazed that my mom gives me presents on my birthday and not vice versa.