Straight, relaxed, loose, skinny. Sounds like Levi's copied most of the things guys are looking for in women.

I wish I needed a safe word.

Some people have a hole in their heart so big, a dumptruck filled with your good intentions and love does not make a dent in filling it.

Guys, you know you need to drop a few pounds when you hit a pothole and your manboobs jiggle for more than two seconds.

When the pill bottle label says it is non habit forming, I take it as a personal challenge to prove it wrong.

What do you call those humps hangars make on some shirts? Shoulder nipples?

Ladies, no matter how hot you are, if someone holds the door for you, a thank you would be nice.

The I don't want to go to bed on Sunday night because you wake up and it's Monday. That.

Every year, the gas pedal of time is pressed down a little further. There is never enough to get it all done, so be careful how you spend it

Sleep can be so nice some nights and such a mean bitch other nights.

Why do the smoke detectors always start beeping from a low battery at 3 am, not 3 pm? Falling off ladder while drunk is not on bucket list.

I still find it hard to believe that 12 real people, 5 parody accounts, 5 egg avi's and 370 porn bots cared enough to actually follow me.

No twitter for two weeks, just to prove I could.

So hard to nod in agreement with someone when they are absolutely wrong, but sometimes necessary when they can stop your next paycheck.

I cannot believe Gamestop would not let me trade in 5 bot / egg avi's for one real person.

Love when I am saying something before my brain thinks it through, & u can tell it is exactly what they do not want to hear. Truth hurts.

Wish I could delete dumb decisions I have made as easily as I can delete my tweets that get no stars.

Evenings for me are just like a candle. I get lit, wait around for a blow, then smoke a little as I finally go out for the night.

Saturday mornings. The best day because no boss, no bullshit, but also the worst as your hangover roars from within reminding you of Friday

Have you ever needed a hole for your belt right in the middle of the ones that are already there? Not too tight, not too loose. Just right.