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If I see a police officer on the phone while driving, shouldn't I be able to pull him over?
I just saw a guy walk by with jeans on so tight I'm surprised he doesn't have a yeast infection.
It's time for me to start picking fights with my friends... so I can shorten my Christmas list.
I'm at clothing store trying to get folks to sign a petition for me. It says "Crap That Was Ugly at Full Price is Still Ugly at Half Price"
That moment on the phone when someone calls you with a wrong number; then they call you back again to verify their stupidity.
Everybody knows black people can't swim. If we could, we wouldn't be here.
I prayed for the strength & serenity to not call the cops & have my Mom arrested for her three bean casserole last night.
My Sister's sweet potato pie tasted like it grew up under power lines eating lead paint chips under an asbestos roof.
My Mom's turkey last night was so damn dry. I spent half an hour at a "Whites Only" water fountain after eating it.
My relationship with men is just business & Its hard breaking up with them cause I have to be like, 'Listen you've run out of money.'
The only drawback to a 3 day Halloween is I have trouble telling who is actually a real nurse, lady cop or a prostitute.
My Mom was 16 when she had me. I was in kindergarten; she in high school -- same school. I remember I used to see her in the hallway.
As long as I can still scare white folks, I'm not a sellout...
8 million people! 8 million people in New York City -- and this bird had to shit on me.
Can't afford laser eye surgery? watch Star Wars for scenes where troopers shoot their laser guns & just press your eyes against the TV.
Folks who bring their own food to the plane. What -- there's not enough food in the plane for ya, fatty?
I invite only friends to my yard sale to buy my stuff, so I can visit their home & look at my stuff whenever I like.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?
My Boyfriend tried to talk me into making a sex tape. I'm like, 'Cool, we just need to get someone else to play your part'
The best way to meet men is to do something you like - right away, you have something in common. So I spend my days drinking & watching TV.
I'm a descendant of an ancient line of African priestesses, all of whom have white hair & blue eyes