Man, fuck those rats, fuck the hole they came in through, fuck dem shoes... Between, lovely TOTD @undercoverpizza. Thank you.

My neighbor is a hooker & a temp. That's how expensive NYC is -- selling pussy is not enough cash, you gotta know Word & Excel.

Mariah Carey Accused Of Lip Syncing At 'Idol' Finale. Who gives a damn? That's like finding out the Muppets didn't sing their own songs

My man says I've got low self-esteem & no concept of my own self worth. I'm like, 'So what -- you don't want to pee on me now?'

White folks give their kids way too many options. Deep down they really wanna say "Timmy, SIT THE FUCK DOWN!!"

I swear this Arizona Iced Tea just whispered "nigger" to me when I went to drink from it just now...

I'm heading out for mother's day shopping. I'm glad this holiday only happens once every 4 years.

Almost called the FBI on a guy I saw at Starbucks. Not cause I thought he was a suspect but cause he was wearing Crocs.

Guys don't know you until after sex, they get the clarity. Like, 'I never knew you had 1 leg -- that eye patch! OK, so you're a pirate.'

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

Israel as a country in the middle of 30 Muslim countries is like me going to a KKK meeting & getting mad about it.

He said he loves me. I laughed & pushed him down the stairs, kissed him on the cheek & said "Love hurts, don't it?"

Kids are slow to obey parents that don't make up their bed.

Now I live on the East Side of Manhattan. I'm the only black here. The other black was my shadow, it ran back to Brooklyn

Boxing would be good if there was an explanation for what happened between these guys to cause the fight to break out.

Ladies, they call it a 'half top' for a reason: only half of y'all are supposed to wear it.

Ali fought for reasons beyond boxing. He was an icon to an entire race & generation. He had ideals he stood for. Mayweather is about cash.

I just saw a Nike for $238. Do they come with leg muscles so you don't have to use your own?

Friends are tired of going to 3D movies with me cause I keep trying to hug/grab the leading actors.