That awkward moment when you ask the arresting officer if he's just mad that the cowboy and construction worker left the band.

This jockstrap doesn't smell like mine. It's not bad, but it's not mine...

Mark Zuckerberg bought Instagram for a billion dollars?! Moron, you can download it for free at the app store.

Not a fan of the dividers between urinals. Makes it difficult to make new friends.

If it walks like a queer, and talks like a queer, it's a Republican senator.

For those of you wondering, I prayed the gay away a long time ago. But sometimes I do microwave yogurt and throw it on my back.

You know that feeling when you ejaculate? I like that.

Being gay isn't a choice but being a Republican is.

If you don't have a favorite pornstar, you've lived your life better than I have.

Is there a "Bottom Ramen"?

Jacking off to Ryan Reynolds just means you appreciate beauty. And Ryan Gosling. Anyone named Ryan, really.

It's not gay if you can't remember.

If there's one thing I hate, it's only getting to choose one.

Did you ever stop to wonder that maybe it wasn't Monday but, instead, your life that sucks?

Fuck twitter. I get more followers when I head into a truck-stop bathroom.

"Maybe if I put enough in my mouth, I'll finally be happy?" -sluts and fat people

Gay Jesus turns water into Madonna tickets.

I sent her a dick-pic. She sent one back.

Just wait till Hurricane Sandy combines with the cloud of Axe Body Spray hovering over Jersey. #frankenstorm

If you watched as much porn as I do, you wouldn't tweet as much either.