I say tomato. You say tomato. This doesn't really work in print.

If the Virgin Mary had aborted Jesus would she have gotten pregnant 3 days later? Asking for a friend.

Can you help out Stu McCallister? He is a 40 year old comic with a struggling career. He just wants to have his name trending. Please RT.

The #SCOTUS has ruled the Buffalo Sabres were screwed out of the Stanley Cup in 1999. #NoGoal

@chucknorris Chuck Norris follows nobody. #makessense

Rappers are becoming modern day philosophers and that is just Ludacris.

Taco Bell has a chef? That's like saying Payday Loans has financial advisors.

Every 20 minutes a child is diagnosed with autism. You know who figured that out? A child with autism.

I hope Ray Lewis gets 1 more murder in before he retires.

Sometimes I use 'you're' and 'your' wrong just to find out who the assholes are...

If I say 'Have a good day' don't try to out nice me with your 'Have a great weekend' shit. Fuck your Midwest nice shit.

I met a bi-racial bi-sexual couple tonight. I don't know what the hell is going on there.

When I see a kid's lemonade stand I like to stop and ask if they are hiring.

I love randomly calling 80 year old ladies 'Sluts.' It makes their day.

The only way boobs could be better is if they were made out of velvet.

Just because you lost doesn't mean you have to act like a loser.

I won this at a silent auction. It is as if the artist was looking into my soul. #IfIHadOne pic.twitter.com/0nhVmXsv16

I wrote some words about the Homegrown show. @matthewslaurias @adamdegi @dyercomedy @dkhamiltoncomic @laughfest  http://www.mlive.com/entertainment/grand-rapids/index.ssf/2013/03/grand_rapids_comic_organizes_f.html …

'This isn't Fun.' -Guy who accidently went to a Gotye concert

Hey fucks who play pool during an open mic, Unless your name is Minnesota Fats you suck at pool. You can wait to play. Now gfy. Thanks, Stu