Sent my ex-wife a card saying "get better soon" She's not sick, just bad in bed.

No one wants to have sex with your inner beauty.

So I'm getting my wisdom tooth pulled this Sunday. Hopefully I won't be a retard afterwards.

The only way axe body spray is going to get you pussy is if you spray it in her eyes and drag her to an alley.

I picked up a new car today, these steroids are fuckin awesome!

Fuck folgers, the best part of waking up is putting it in her butt.

I wanted to be a life coach but then I realized that the words "You're fucking stupid," didn't qualify as a "Free Initial Consultation".

Ok I know where the g-spot is but where in the heck do girls pee from?

I decided I no longer need the approval of others. What do you guys think?

I just figured out why I never see a snowwomen, it's because the level of skill needed to hollow out the head is tremendous.

Ugh my wife is getting so fat. So I bought her a treadmill and strapped it to her back.

I just tried coconut water for the first time. Pretty sure I just discovered how it would taste if a monkey ejaculated in my mouth.

Married couples are like onions, I cry every time I chop them up and put bits of em in my soup that I serve in homeless shelters.

Girls are like ice cream first they're cold then they're warm then they stick to you.

Her: "omg I am like sooo wet right now" Me: " bitch I know you are, I'm standing in the rain too in case you didn't notice.

Dating me is like getting a tattoo. Seems like a great idea at the time, ends up extremely painful, & you're basically scarred for life.

I'm watching Basketball for the first time & I don't get. Are they playing to win their freedom back from the white coaches?

Does the 5 second rule apply if she falls off the the top of my bunk bed?

It's not you, it's your friends. I want to bang them. #breakuplines

If you're text message is greater than 140 characters I'm probably not gonna read it.