Flushing a slow or hesitant toilet at someone else's house is the scariest 5 to 10 seconds ever.

I found a bunch of dick pics in my girlfriend's phone. It's weird because I don't remember sending them or having a black penis...

Male. Age 24. Looking for female that likes long walks on the beach, picnics on the sand, and anal on like a boat or something.

I'm going to pay 50 flamboyant gay dudes to show up at my funeral just to play one last joke on my parents.

When I see a black guy I give him a nice strong wink to let him know that I've got his back incase any racist shit goes down.

I think I'm going to exercise less and just commit to making more fat friends.

If my walls could talk they would say "I like what you did with me, this room is gorgeous" and I'd say "Thank you wall, you are very polite"

Tweet up at the old abandoned factory in the woods. Today, 10 PM. Don't bring cell phones or tell your family where you're going. No cops.

I hate when you finally meet your Twitter crush and you find out that it was just some dumb cat walking around on a keyboard at a Starbucks.

Yes, all of these gingerbread houses are for me.

Yes, I will be dressing up like Godzilla and destroying them.

No, I don't need a receipt.

Dear Frank,
I need my rake back. You've had it for months and I've only seen you using it once.
PS. Sorry you got cancer, get well soon.

About 1.8 people die every second. So as you read this three, maybe four people died and all you did was read a tweet. Way to go asshole.

Hey cats why don't you just spit out the fur right after you lick it instead of swallowing it and being drama queens later? You're welcome.

I'm not a stalker or anything but on:
11/12/11
12/20/11
1/4/12
and 2/17/12 you forgot to brush your teeth before bed. Nice jammies BTW.

Stop with the racist tweets! We all need to have a little dignity guys, it's all we have left. Those dirty Mexicans stole everything else!

I'm on this great new diet called "my paycheck wasn't as big as I was expecting it to be".

Hey kid playing with Legos at school, you know what you can't build out of Legos? Friends. Grab a football, nerd.

They shouldn't call it self storage if they are going to get mad every time I sleep there.

If your boyfriend calls your boobs "boobies" then he also wears your underwear while you're at work.

Stop asking if I know how to use throwing knives and just stand still, this is going to look awesome. Trust me.