It's Tupac Saturday at my house.

That means you best be stepping correct fool.

By step correct I mean wipe your feet, I just vacuumed.

Filling out forms today. For birthplace I was tempted to put "my Mom's vagina".

I am mature like that.

Dear General Mills,

BaconBerries.

You're welcome.

Wait, did mayonnaise die today?

When will the madness stop?

5 stages of FAVRD grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Favstar

#thankyoutextism

Setting my Out of Office reply to "Cool Story Bro."

Whoever had Ed, Farrah, Michael and Billy in the same week just won the Intergalactic Celebrity Death Pool.

I put the hung in hungover.

Ironic moment of the day: my dog stepped in dogshit.

We've replaced Stuart's liver with this bar towel soaked in alcohol. Let's see if he notices.

Client's wife who called with Porn popups on her computer: How can I prevent this?
Us: Um, fuck your husband?

If you have Parkinsons I bet that iPhone 'shake to undo' feature is a real bitch.

Staying in the car until this Metallica song ends. There might be some air guitar going on. Maybe.

I like to think my midsummer farmers tan says 'successful entrepreneur' more than it says 'computer nerd who lives in a cave'.

When life hands you lemons, I find it helps to make dick jokes.

Washed the dog. Now, instead of smelling like urine, she smells like Lavendar Mist urine.

MORE LIKE 11% UNEMPLOYMENT DAY, RITE?

I just blew my nose so productively I'm looking at the kleenex in disbelief/admiration.

At a bar late on a Sunday. It's OK because I'm not going to drink.

More than 5 or 6 beers.

I get upset when I have a stuffy nose, I couldn't imagine being pregnant.