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Happiness is the child that holds your hand every time you pretend that everything is alright.
And maybe it is.
You only get infinite chances to make infinite impressions.
I'm sorry I can't retweet you jerks right now. My kids are reading everything over my shoulder.
Instead of making important life decisions I prefer to hold a plastic bag over my head until I pass out.
You could put a blank computer keyboard in front of me and I would 100% not be able to fill in the letters.
I don't mean to brag, but...
I can run a mile in under the time it takes Michael J.Fox to unwrap a Starburst...
Sometimes the quickest way to end it is to admit how you really feel.
My favorite flavor is multiple orgasms.
It’s called Black Friday because shoppers turn into bigger dicks.
My life is one misfortune away from being a top 10 country song.
Dating is a competition to see who can hide their worst qualities the longest.
In the beginning I hoped that we would never stop doing this twitter thing. Now I'm afraid that we will never stop doing this twitter thing!
I speak 4 languages: English, Profanity, Sarcasm, and Real shit.
Are you depressed? You haven't been at the human sacrifices recently.
There's only so much empathy before I'll grab you by the shoulders and yell "SACK THE FUCK UP!"
I love seeing people get the courage to break free from the ticking traps they’ve fallen into and live the lives they are so worthy of.
Conformity is just a big measuring stick used to fit in. Stand tall and on your own.
Memories and straightjackets.
Reasons why some people never move on.
If you're super sorry, you can say a mega culpa.