Crocs, when used as birth control, are 100% effective.

What I lack in personality I make up for with basically nothing.

Yes, I've had my morning coffee. But I haven't had my mid-morning coffee. Or my late-morning coffee. Begone.

I forgive coffee when it spills because I know it has an infinitely more difficult job than the rest of the beverage world

Turns out animal husbandry isn't the study of marriage rights for people who are into bestiality. My face is red.

Where did the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles get money to buy pizza?

Please stop copying me in to your debates about Islam. Insanity doesn't do exclusivity deals with certain religions. End of.

Reading a timeline full of @'s is worse than speaking to someone wearing a popped collar.

Looking for a kind mature man who doesn't get PMS and defriend you from internet sites to make a statement of some sort.

I LOVE you ladies but lets get 1 thing clear; if you were a guy youd have 1/2 as many followers. If u have a tit avi it'd be 1/5. Good talk.

Bruno Mars isn't even a real planet.

Mother Nature is a milf

My kid thinks life's not fair, wait until he starts paying taxes.

I imagine a wolf Googling "what do sheep generally like to wear."

A 'bunch' of idiots, much like bananas consists of at least four.

It should hurt more to be painfully stupid on purpose.

Hey man, like fuck you and your passive aggressive hashtag.

Getting hit on by a girl means a fuck of a lot more than getting hit on by a guy who'd probably stick it in a bowl of soup if it were warm.

Some people stay in your heart longer than they stay in your life.

My favorite foreign language is female.