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But what if I wanna go big AND go home?
Light a guy's truck on fire one fucking time, and suddenly you're "unstable".
I wish The Bachelor was more like The Hunger Games & the girls had to kill each other to find love. I'd probably watch a season or 2 of that
I hate when I accidentally say "thank you" instead of "I hate your stupid face".
A good friend just got engaged by means of a flash mob that he set up. Equally impressive, I ate an entire box of cereal w/ my hands tonight
Huh. So it turns out that when a guy asks for a pic, he wants to see your boobs, not some other guy's penis. Online dating is hard.
Do you think thin mints are naturally thin? I bet they can eat whatever they want and never even have to work out. Bitches.
Pull your shirt back down super skinny guys with 6-pack abs. I'm about as impressed with that as u are with big tits on fat chicks.
Helping a friend w/ her online dating profile. Just spun "unemployed & spends most of the day watching Judge Judy" into "Well versed in law"
I have NOTHING to wear! *me, right before a massive breakdown laying shirtless on my bedroom floor surrounded by clothes.
Anyone know if you can die of chapped lips?
Hey, if you don't want me to call you a fucktard...Maybe. Don't. Be one.
Why is life so hard? And why are these brownies so good? A memoir.
Yeah, that's right. I look pretty good considering I keep a Big Mac in my purse as an emergency snack almost daily.
Pro tip: Never eat pie while standing up, or else everyone in the restaurant will notice that you're crying.
If you tell me "it could always be worse", I will immediately bash you in the face with my 9-iron just to prove you right.
Why is "hand-picked" a selling point for fruit? People are gross. That dude probably peed & didn't wash his hands but hey, enjoy that pear!
Am I an ass for being honest, or is honesty such a foreign object to ppl that they are incapable of handling it? Either way, yes u look fat.
Why yes autocorrect, I DID want to ask my boss if he "helped his daughter get ready for her porn" after all! Thanks for the help.
I'm that girl who interrupts people telling personal tales of triumph over adversity in order to ask if they have any gum.
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