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Light a guy's truck on fire one fucking time, and suddenly you're "unstable".
I wish The Bachelor was more like The Hunger Games & the girls had to kill each other to find love. I'd probably watch a season or 2 of that
I hate when I accidentally say "thank you" instead of "I hate your stupid face".
A good friend just got engaged by means of a flash mob that he set up. Equally impressive, I ate an entire box of cereal w/ my hands tonight
Do you think thin mints are naturally thin? I bet they can eat whatever they want and never even have to work out. Bitches.
Helping a friend w/ her online dating profile. Just spun "unemployed & spends most of the day watching Judge Judy" into "Well versed in law"
I have NOTHING to wear! *me, right before a massive breakdown laying shirtless on my bedroom floor surrounded by clothes.
Anyone know if you can die of chapped lips?
Hey, if you don't want me to call you a fucktard...Maybe. Don't. Be one.
Why is life so hard? And why are these brownies so good? A memoir.
Yeah, that's right. I look pretty good considering I keep a Big Mac in my purse as an emergency snack almost daily.
If you tell me "it could always be worse", I will immediately bash you in the face with my 9-iron just to prove you right.
Pro tip: Never eat pie while standing up, or else everyone in the restaurant will notice that you're crying.
Why is "hand-picked" a selling point for fruit? People are gross. That dude probably peed & didn't wash his hands but hey, enjoy that pear!
Am I an ass for being honest, or is honesty such a foreign object to ppl that they are incapable of handling it? Either way, yes u look fat.
Why yes autocorrect, I DID want to ask my boss if he "helped his daughter get ready for her porn" after all! Thanks for the help.
Be a gentleman, and treat me with respect. Or don't, and fuck off. Thems the options.
Whatever. Your marriage shouldn't even count if your wedding vows didn't include the words "if i can't have you, no one can".
I'm that girl who interrupts people telling personal tales of triumph over adversity in order to ask if they have any gum.
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