Michelle Bachmann's clinic 'cures' gays with prayer. I'm going to start a clinic and 'cure' people of religion with lots of sex.

Actually guns do kill people. It's kinda what they're meant for. Otherwise they'd be called "paperweights."

If the sight of a condom is going to put you off porn, you need to grow the fuck up.

This is nice. I want a job where I can sit in the sun and drink coffee all day. I'd be good at it.

In my inbox I get actual email about gangbangs and spam about Christian Dating. It's a strange world.

I just want to meet a girl who chooses her panties based on how well they accessorize her shoes.

I suspect some of you may be getting intoxicated tonight and flashing your boobs. And I want you to know I approve of that.

Told my wife she could tie me up and do whatever she liked. How many seasons of Downton Abbey are there, exactly? Asking for me.

I have nothing but contempt for anyone who says a natural disaster is 'god's punishment' for anything. Go live in a fucking cave.

So close to 500 followers! But I think some of them died overnight, probably from excessive masturbation.

New followers giving me stars makes me all tingly.

Crowd in Times Square chanting "Science! Science!" Love it. #marscuriosity

New girl in the office. Tall. Slim. Married. Eyebrows. Hmm.

I don't need to know who these Kardashian people are, right? Thought not.

Wife: Did you get your hair cut?
Me: I GOT MY HAIR CUT YESTERDAY *sobs*

Someone on FB asks if we've ever "dunked our french fries" in "vanilla milkshake." Not sure if I can google this at work.

What better way to start the long weekend than a gangbang?

Got home last night to find 7 has green hair and wife lost her wedding ring, so that must have been an interesting afternoon.

Noooo! Phone screen shattered! Porn now looks like Picasso!

I'm being spammed by eggs. Spam and eggs, geddit? Sorta funny.