To my American friends: On Sunday, don't forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

The Ladies of Twitter: You're beautiful. You're witty. You're crazy and your mouths are toilets. You make me believe in women again. TY.

I hate star fucking someone and then noticing they haven't been on for months. It's like fucking a corpse and whispering "You like that?"

Some of you people get faved just for writing a fucking vowel while i'm sucking dick on every street corner i can find.

I feel sorry for the tweets that get lost between 'Best of' and 'Recent'.

Walking in on my mom masturbating wasn't as embarrassing as noticing my dad filming her.

Whenever a woman gags during a blowjob, I gently lift her head, wipe her tears and slowly lower her back down. That's a gentleman.

Smoked a joint with this pig. We laughed our asses off for a bit but he knew when my laughter trailed off that hunger had joined the party.

"OMG! He's home! Oh my fucking God! I can't explain how happy I am! Woooooooooo! YEAH!!! Is this really happening?!?! -- Dogs.

The best part about playing Wii is when the controller flies out of your hand and smashes your stepfather's fucking teeth out.

Why the fuck do we call it passing gas? Who are we passing it to? Let's call it offering up a preview to our pending shit.

When your tweets are certifiably hilarious but nobody else seems to see them that way. Is that arrogance, ignorance or just a shit crowd?

My mother, bless her heart, is a fucking cunt.

It was a valium effort.

If your son can't fall down at the playground and report to daddy which mothers' aren't wearing underwear, then your son is fucking useless.

I did it. I took the bull by the horns and now i shit in a bag that i wear as an accessory.

I celebrated my high school reunion by getting wasted alone at home, pulling out my yearbooks and pissing on everyones' faces.

What happens if i drop the sickest, funniest motherfuckin tweet to ever have been tweeted and none of my shitty 76 followers gives a fuck?

I've got the moves like someone who's wasted on Jäger.

A true friend will donate part of his liver to you and then buy you shots to celebrate your new liver.