Dear Idiot who lost their red strap-on dildo, It's in the parking lot behind my car....Sincerely, Tenant in 712

Guide to not being a cunt: Don't be a cunt.

Red Rover: back when you could clothesline small children all in the name of fun.

Police standoff behind my work. Man standing on roof throwing glass bricks. Who knew the love of my life was so close all this time.

A lap dance is so much better when the stripper's cryin'

I love when my room smells like my bad decisions.

Tampons are sold by the volume of flow? Better stay home tonight to measure the drip rate just to be safe.

I so can't wait to get emotionally and mentally fucked by twitter. Thanks @blurtitout2

Found out today that drinking in the dog park is very frowned upon. Apparently calling other dog walkers "stunned cunts" is too.

@bornofchaos You, the ether bunny and his first cousin oxycottontail; no resurrection of Christ this weekend.

My liver is officially on strike. Looks like I'm officially a scab.

Just visited a women's shelter. The place was in quite a mess. Makes you wonder if they will ever learn.

New plan. I'm gonna pick up a little person tonight so I can start my new career as a ventriliquist.

My office mate has apparently decided to bring back Oscar de la Renta perfume. I've decided to bring back caning.

Just realized I'm the dog's bitch.

Tell me honestly, does this tweet make my ass look big?

@blurtitout2 @bornofchaos As a master of the art of pysanka, when I'm done, your balls will be transformed into intricate masterpieces.

@bornofchaos it was a combo of your balls and hopes and dreams of the ether bunny.

Just saw my reflection in the window...fuck I have a nice ass.

Sitting with @blurtitout2 and the kids. Gravol blow darts are on the menu.