At fast food restaurant, randomly walk over to a table & ask, "How's that food feel inside you?", smile, & walk away. #mindfuck

@flsteelersbabe I have no idea what a macadamia nut looks like....but pretty sure I've eaten both those.

@toronamichele Peanut. Plain is just a waste of time. Only thing plain are good for is baking into cookies. And really - fuck that. :)

It's always better to lose a follower by making a crude joke than to keep a boring one with no sense of humor. Missionary sex only I assume?

In homage to Vancouver, I promptly looted my living room and set it on fire. It just makes sense to ruin your own shit when angry....

If you and I are the only two men in the public bathroom, don't be alarmed when I ask your name. I greet all my sex victims that way.

Just found out you can get rabies from a raccoon. Even with a condom?

Cashier at Walmart is a midget. She sneezed on me 3 minutes ago. How long do I have til I "turn"?

It's been awhile. Can anyone tell me where you list STDs on a resume?

@toronamichele Whopper with a side of double whopper. Big Macs are made out of ground up, left over orphans.

You don't always have to agree with me. You're allowed to be wrong now and then.

For those that say "adult beverage" - Fucking stop it. Seriously, stop it right fucking now.

@toronamichele Crunchy. Puffy cheetos should be taken out to the street and beaten. Severely.

@drunkstepfather How...in the hell...do you have the President following you. I have to say - I'm impressed.