I love Twitter. It's like walking into a bar, shouting a random one liner, walking out and checking how many people walked out with you.

Tweet of the Day should be called "Wished I'd thought of that myself!" of the Day.

As an April's Fools joke me and my wife changed our FB status to "single" and now I'm required to unfriend all the people who "Liked" it.

If your tweet is grammatically short one comma, I will count those 140 characters to see if that's what you had to sacrifice to make it fit.

Give a man a painting and he'll smile for a day. Teach a man to paint and he'll starve for a lifetime.

I understand it's trendy to call yourself a nerd these days, but we're gonna need you to answer some Star Wars related questions first.

Lived yesterday as if it was my last day, and today I've had to apologize to my parents, the corner store guy, 3 ex teachers and my cat.

The tweets I choose to star say more about me than then say about you.

Came to twitter to stroke my ego but people here are so funny, kind, generous and gorgeous it's been a humbling experience. Fuck you, guys.

Video games taught me to think, prioritize, improvise and manage resources. High school taught me to memorize and repeat.

You do Twitter one way.

I do Twitter another way.

Glad we sorted that out. Good talk.

Teenagers are cute. They think they're people.

I usually hate typos, but I was tickled silly for a second there when I thought my wife was looking for "Yoda for beginners" on amazon.

I don't think Facebook users are aware we're at war with them.

My life is a never ending string of "What was I gonna do just now?".

Hungover. Please keep it all in lower case.

Time heals everything but the need to pee.

Can any of you teach me how not to give a flying fuck? Cause I think I mastered the land based ones and can move on to the next challenge.

Sexting on a Blackberry gives you Blueberries.

It's ironic how most of us were lured to Twitter under the impression that it was a great way to find out about world affairs before anyone.