STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN SONGS WHEN IM DRIVING

Australia is the only place you tell someone to 'get fucked' as a question.

'Oi! Won a million bucks!'

'Get fucked!?'

'Yep!'

I have no idea what to do when women cry.

But one arm handstands is not it.

The shortest love story ever written:

Nachos.

Rubtweet - tweets about handjobs

I don't even know who let me in here

Your cleavage doesn't work on me lady.

Unless its booty cleavage, here's my credit card and house

If you're a female geek and don't call it your 'In-box' then wtf.

The thing missing from most conversations is intellect and someone listening.

The gap between meals makes me uncomfortable

What kind of devil magic does it take to tear off cling wrap in a straight line

If sex is a weapon, I'm a butter knife

I got love for you if you drink whiskey

Whatever, I don't get paid for this

If you have never been in love, try coffee

Girl are you a speed limit because I'm completely ignoring you

Rage against the empty coffee machine

sweet bacne bro, do you even exfoliate?

More people should be obsessed with exercise

The only part of Christmas I understand is the alcohol in the custard, also passing out under the coffee table

They might as well not put Push/Pull on doors, I get it wrong every fucking time anyway