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Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades.
This is the magical Twitter time when early rising Americans are drinking coffee, Brits drinking Happy Hour pints, and Aussies are drinking.
If yOu RAndoMLy inSeRT CaPiTaL leTTeRS IntO A TwEet, YoU tOO CaN BE a sErIAL KiLleR.
I brush my cat's teeth on a regular basis, but she puts up a fight when I try to insert a tampon.
Interesting that the professional comedians don't stand out in Twitter. There is a lot of competition from the amateurs. Funny fuckers.
I bet Albert Einstein regrets sticking his tongue out that one time.
I swore off library books ever since I turned a page and a bunch of pubes tumbled into my bed. True story.
When I see the same tweet from two different people I don't know, I make a call to Maury Povich.
People wouldn't be so frightened by the Creature from the Black Lagoon if they knew his name was Kevin.
I've been traveling so much lately, I'm throwing my own towels on the bathroom floor.
I don't see many unicycles these days. I guess the bicycle won that battle.
I don't know this Yolo thing, but it reminds me of YoYo. That's what we tell patients who leave against medical advice. You're On Your Own.
Bought some Cheese Nips today. Couldn't resist two of my favorite things in one package.
If I had 141 spaces to work with, I could write some epic tweets.
Time-honored advice for guy: Always offer to give a massage. Not guaranteed sex, but pretty good odds.
As long as we're on English dialects, how can WANKER and WANK be so different in meaning? No one wants to be a wanker. Everyone wanks.
Just read there is an epidemic of chlamydia among Koalas in Australia. Those Aussies know how to party.
You keep telling me it is what it is. I bet you really freak out when it isn't.
In breaking news, Charles Manson has selected Nancy Grace to represent him in his parole hearing next week. "I love the evil in her eyes."