Stephen Colbert is the best interviewer on TV. Always listens carefully and asks good F/U questions. Can't wait for his talk show.

Who is this guy Stanley, and why does he insist on wearing a cup?

@boddingtons Laaaauuuurrrrrra!! Your greeting always gives me a smile.

Old York Times. New York Slimes. Those conservative radio hosts are just so fucking clever, I have a boner.

Dear #MichaelSavage; Leave the medical analysis to real doctors. You are clueless.

A semi-erect penis is underappreciated.

If I stroke the cardboard insulation band up and down my #Starbucks latte, it generates more foam.

I have learned that if you're not on Facebook, you must be a spy.

Farewell to David Beckham. We'll miss the artful way you could bend your penis.

"This the the last and final call. The other last call was, in retrospect, only the penultimate one."

While standing at the pisser, I unleashed an epic belch and got a good laugh from the guy in the shitter. *made my day*

OJ Simpson is suing his attorney. "I want to play rinning back on the prison football team, but he has assigned me to bloated whale."

Sure, whistleblowers are protected, but harmonica players are left to swing in the wind.

The Castro brothers deny knowing about Ariel's kidnapping crimes. "We just thought he was lucky at  http://Match.com ."

Hawaiian shorts, sandals, and knee-high black socks is always a good look at the airport.

When Mr. and Mrs. Cone named their son Rod, they were desperately hoping he would become a successful eye doctor.

You can start with this:  http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/11/science/earth/carbon-dioxide-level-passes-long-feared-milestone.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0 … @danarohrabacher

When used as a divining rod, an erect penis is much better at finding pussy than water.

@chuckdamnnorris @kevnasto OK, but if he can unslice bread, I say he's up there with Einstein and Gandhi.

NYT headline: Health Law Is Defended With Vigor By President. "He took two Viagras."