I've decided to rename tampon sizes.

Mini
Regular
Super
Super plus

will become:

Bullet
Thumb
Sausage
Bollard

What @sturdyalex's timeline has shown tonight is, if someone you know is struggling and you can help, offer that help. Do it.

Why bother putting DRY CLEAN ONLY on labels?

Just put LEAVE AT BOTTOM OF LAUNDRY BASKET UNTIL MOULDY, THEN BUNG IN AT 40 DEGREES.

Two words for Victoria Pendleton:

FINISH HER.

A colleague has the Kate Moss "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" quote on her wall. I added a post-it saying EXCEPT PORK PIES.

Somewhere in the BBC there's a special wardrobe containing every jacket made by Wallis in the 80s. Fiona Bruce has the only key.

Hotel breakfast timing:

8.00-9.50am
Old people
People with young children
Ramblers

9.50-10.00am
People who had sex last night

If you're buying new summer dresses this year, always ask yourself:

Will it look good with tights and a chunky cardigan?

The Menstrual Cycle explained

Wk 1: Murderous rage
Wk 2: Murderous rage
Wk 3: Murderous rage
Wk 4: Murderous rage and BLEEDING

I just did a fart that lasted 10 seconds and sounded like a puzzled bloodhound.

Why have I only just noticed that dogs' noses look like sinister owls? http://t.co/gRerlP5x

What I think the dog is thinking:
I'm lying on top of you because I love you

What the dog is thinking:
Get off my fucking settee

I had a conversation with someone today about fishcakes. He told me he'd made some, I asked what kind of fish he used, he said corned beef.

If I worked for Lil-Lets, I'd design a special Christmas tampon with a cracker bang strip instead of a string.

I wonder if the person who designed the London 2012 logo puts it on their cv.

I think I'd leave it off.

Saw a Scottish rugby fan in Swansea. He shouted "Fuck the English", then pulled up his t-shirt and shouted "I've got nipples".

Why aren't these people tweeting and drinking while they're cooking? What kind of freak just cooks?
#Masterchef

My mother has cranked up the heating. If anyone's considering filming a new series of Tenko, you can do it here.

There's a girl on X Factor USA called Diamond White.

I wonder if she was conceived in Caerphilly in 1985.

No toilet roll in the downstairs toilet. In the words of my old friend Jane, I had to "shake the lettuce".