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I've decided to rename tampon sizes.
Why bother putting DRY CLEAN ONLY on labels?
Just put LEAVE AT BOTTOM OF LAUNDRY BASKET UNTIL MOULDY, THEN BUNG IN AT 40 DEGREES.
Two words for Victoria Pendleton:
A colleague has the Kate Moss "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" quote on her wall. I added a post-it saying EXCEPT PORK PIES.
Somewhere in the BBC there's a special wardrobe containing every jacket made by Wallis in the 80s. Fiona Bruce has the only key.
Hotel breakfast timing:
People with young children
People who had sex last night
If you're buying new summer dresses this year, always ask yourself:
Will it look good with tights and a chunky cardigan?
The Menstrual Cycle explained
Wk 1: Murderous rage
Wk 2: Murderous rage
Wk 3: Murderous rage
Wk 4: Murderous rage and BLEEDING
I just did a fart that lasted 10 seconds and sounded like a puzzled bloodhound.
What I think the dog is thinking:
I'm lying on top of you because I love you
What the dog is thinking:
Get off my fucking settee
I had a conversation with someone today about fishcakes. He told me he'd made some, I asked what kind of fish he used, he said corned beef.
If I worked for Lil-Lets, I'd design a special Christmas tampon with a cracker bang strip instead of a string.
I wonder if the person who designed the London 2012 logo puts it on their cv.
I think I'd leave it off.
Saw a Scottish rugby fan in Swansea. He shouted "Fuck the English", then pulled up his t-shirt and shouted "I've got nipples".
Why aren't these people tweeting and drinking while they're cooking? What kind of freak just cooks?
My mother has cranked up the heating. If anyone's considering filming a new series of Tenko, you can do it here.
There's a girl on X Factor USA called Diamond White.
I wonder if she was conceived in Caerphilly in 1985.
No toilet roll in the downstairs toilet. In the words of my old friend Jane, I had to "shake the lettuce".