Happy 1st birthday, Starbucks cup in my car.

I'll sleep when my phone's dead.

Alright, if nobody else is gonna call 911 about this ugly baby in the grocery store, I guess I'll have to.

Stalkers are just people you haven't disappointed yet.

I'm just trying to lose weight so I look good for my chalk outline.

I doubt panda bears would be an endangered species if we didn't keep turning them into soccer balls.

R.I.P. Somebody from somewhere, probably. So sad, I bet.

The last time my father played with me, I was still in his balls.

No one has ever been heard while sitting in the backseat of a car.

Where is the "Add as Enemy" button on Facebook? I want to increase my numbers.

People could be straight-up fuckin' in this breakroom and I'd still be bored.

Sometimes I fantasize about my lesbian neighbors inviting me over for one of their wild, after-hours screaming matches.

Some asshole just saw me skipping.

I can't decide between the two different types of soap in the work bathroom so I'm just gonna lie down on the floor until the police arrive.

"WAIT NO THERE ARE LIKE SIX SAXOPHONES OVER THERE YOU CAN SMASH INSTEAD WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEffnnttchsssshhh" - guitar's last thought

I already know this is going to be a disaster. I pregret this.

My dictionary search history is way more embarrassing than my porn search history.

If loving Mountain Dew is wrong, I don't want to be Sprite.

Whenever I pack a suitcase, I pretend I'm leaving my husband while he's in the shower.

Bromine is by far the douchiest element.