May the fleas of thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

I take offence when men ask women to make sandwiches for them.
We know how to cook a lot more than sandwiches.

One man's hot neighbour is another man's nagging wife.

If traffic jams in Mumbai were any longer, the couple in the car next to mine could drive their new born straight to kindergarten.

White bread. What is this?! 19 effing 80s?!

I blame gravity for falling in love with you. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Boss: Job well done. Here's a pat on the back. Let's deliver it to you near a dangerous cliff.

If you're up at 4 AM, you either have a crush or a drug problem.

People have stopped sending me funny jokes. Somebody should have warned me that AWOL is not an upgraded LOL.

There is a big difference between 8:00 and 8:05 on a Monday morning

Dear Monday, you are one of the 52 opportunities I am given each year to wake up and question what the hell I am doing with my life.

The brave men did not kill dragons. The brave men rode them.

They say you spend your whole life rewriting the first poem you ever loved.

Sometimes it's easier to let boring conversations slowly kill you than to untangle earphones and place them in your ears.

It isn't love if you have to ask for it.

A date is like a job interview. After office hours.

My favorite mythical creatures are the happy girls in the sanitary napkin commercials.

Health and I broke up. So, just hanging with my buddy Big Mac for now.

No matter how badass you think you are, when a baby holds your finger in it's grip, your heart will turn to mush.

I rarely cook but when I do, I like to pretend I am the host of a cooking show.