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  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    If the cute guy in front of me doesn't move his ass im going to keep staring at it.

    • 181
    • FAVS
    apodixisllvvzzzombot_xLNcdannydogmouthTotalNewsTrackOldGloryTeesSilkPillow________
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    My mom works in a mental institution. The stories she brings home have convinced me that she knows quite a few of you. Mom says Hi.

    • 154
    • FAVS
    Mystique1975apodixisllvvzzzombotameo02DumbassadordannydogmouthSteepFrugut
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Avatar_unknown_48
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    "WHY CAN'T I BE GOOD AT ANYTHING!?" I shouted as dinner burned.

    "You're super good at yelling." Said 7yo offering support.

    • 142
    • FAVS
    Mystique1975llvvzzzombotdannydogmouthOldGloryTeesSilkPillow________KindaLaurenynikhimself
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    Now that my sister is here I'm adding 'Free lapdance' to all my garage sale signs.

    • 130
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzombotSingleWhtFemdannydogmouthTotalNewsTrackOldGloryTeesSilkPillow________nikhimself
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Avatar_unknown_48
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    Anybody else getting really tired of not having servants?

    • 115
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzombotdyl44ndannydogmouthSteepFrugutSilkPillow________nikhimselfmytweecwetlife____
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    I really love my mom, but she keeps telling me how to raise my kids knowing full well how her own kids turned out.

    • 115
    • FAVS
    apodixisllvvzzzombotdannydogmouthCastelViel________OldGloryTeesMikeSchismnikhimself
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    I could use a tapeworm right about now.

    • 109
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzombotdannydogmouthSilkPillow________MikeSchismnikhimselfmytweecwetlife____StillDrew
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    Wore my sweatpants and flip-flops to the grocery store. Doing a search to see who is tweeting about me.

    • 107
    • FAVS
    apodixisllvvzzzombotdannydogmouthOldGloryTeesSilkPillow________KindaLaurenyMikeSchism
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    favstar1000favs
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    Last night my kid asked me if he was the devil's son. I told him to ask his dad.

    • 107
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzombotdyl44ndannydogmouthOldGloryTeesDropDeadAnyway____SugaLollyadurr12
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    favstar1000favs
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    What I miss most about having a job, aside from the paycheck, are the delicious bagged lunches I found in the company fridge every day.

    • 105
    • FAVS
    apodixisllvvzzzombotsp3ct0rTimHainesDumbassadorFagin2dannydogmouth
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsFagin2
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.

    • 104
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzombotfingolfin85rodney_at_largeFagin2dannydogmouthddatchery________SilkPillow________
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    favstar1000favs
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    Did you ever notice how people are always falling off the wagon? The wagon has proven to be dangerous. STAY AWAY FROM THE WAGON!

    • 101
    • FAVS
    DoveStylesllvvzzzombotFagin2dannydogmouthEignaOOldGloryTeesSilkPillow________
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Dimdim001favstar1000favsFagin2
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    The only jobs available in my area require you to have marketable skills, a professional demeanor, and be a team player. I'm soo screwed.

    • 99
    • FAVS
    BalutllvvzzzombotdannydogmouthSilkPillow________MikeSchismnikhimselfmytweecwetlife____
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    I only have 20 minutes left before a kid comes home from school. Now my sitting here doing nothing feels a little rushed.

    • 97
    • FAVS
    apodixisllvvzzzombotdannydogmouthOldGloryTeesSilkPillow________lalaloo__________KindaLaureny
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    Took the kids hiking. When they saw a set of flip-flops along the trail they had so much more fun looking for a body.

    • 94
    • FAVS
    apodixisllvvzzzombotdannydogmouthSilkPillow________nikhimselfmytweecwetlife____TerminalSingles__
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    I wanted a sandwich so I said, "Make me a sandwich, Bitch!" Then I got up and made myself a sandwich.

    • 90
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzombotdyl44ndannydogmouthSilkPillow________nikhimselfmytweecwetlife____Alias1on1
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    Isn't it cute how Canada is all polite to your face but then the minute your back is turned they blow a cold, biting wind all over you?

    • 89
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzombotdannydogmouthSilkPillow________nikhimselfmytweecwetlife____Alias1on1TerminalSingles__
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    I've been awake for a half hour and my left eye is crying. What does my left eye know that my right eye doesn't?

    • 89
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzombotdannydogmouthOldGloryTeesSilkPillow________KindaLaurenynikhimselfmytweecwetlife____
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    Sit, kneel, stand, sing. Sit, kneel, stand, sing. My church uses calisthenics to keep the fatties out. That's why I'm not there.

    • 88
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzombotdannydogmouthOldGloryTeesSilkPillow________KindaLaurenynikhimselfmytweecwetlife____
  • SusAnimated
      SusAnimated @SusAnimated

    If I had a dollar for every single thing that pissed me off I'd be one filthy rich pissed off bitch.

    • 88
    • FAVS
    llvvzzzombotdyl44ndannydogmouthSilkPillow________nikhimselfmytweecwetlife____Alias1on1
@SusAnimated

@SusAnimated

I used to wish for sanity but then I realized the boredom would drive me nuts.