If the cute guy in front of me doesn't move his ass im going to keep staring at it.

My mom works in a mental institution. The stories she brings home have convinced me that she knows quite a few of you. Mom says Hi.

"WHY CAN'T I BE GOOD AT ANYTHING!?" I shouted as dinner burned.

"You're super good at yelling." Said 7yo offering support.

Now that my sister is here I'm adding 'Free lapdance' to all my garage sale signs.

Anybody else getting really tired of not having servants?

I really love my mom, but she keeps telling me how to raise my kids knowing full well how her own kids turned out.

I could use a tapeworm right about now.

Last night my kid asked me if he was the devil's son. I told him to ask his dad.

Wore my sweatpants and flip-flops to the grocery store. Doing a search to see who is tweeting about me.

What I miss most about having a job, aside from the paycheck, are the delicious bagged lunches I found in the company fridge every day.

You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.

Did you ever notice how people are always falling off the wagon? The wagon has proven to be dangerous. STAY AWAY FROM THE WAGON!

The only jobs available in my area require you to have marketable skills, a professional demeanor, and be a team player. I'm soo screwed.

I only have 20 minutes left before a kid comes home from school. Now my sitting here doing nothing feels a little rushed.

Took the kids hiking. When they saw a set of flip-flops along the trail they had so much more fun looking for a body.

I wanted a sandwich so I said, "Make me a sandwich, Bitch!" Then I got up and made myself a sandwich.

Isn't it cute how Canada is all polite to your face but then the minute your back is turned they blow a cold, biting wind all over you?

I've been awake for a half hour and my left eye is crying. What does my left eye know that my right eye doesn't?

Sit, kneel, stand, sing. Sit, kneel, stand, sing. My church uses calisthenics to keep the fatties out. That's why I'm not there.

If I had a dollar for every single thing that pissed me off I'd be one filthy rich pissed off bitch.