Man cannot live on bread and water alone...

..this is why we have Kraft Singles

I have decided to keep a toothbrush in my mouth while working. If anyone starts talking to me, just start brushing and nod or shake head...

"We are out of beer" - 5 words I hate to hear.

I find it sweet that you make those gagging sounds when performing felatio. But I know I'm not that big and I'm not even hard yet...

I’m beginning to think that you don’t give a shit what I think.

Is clean your own table at McDonalds considered a public service?

You know that tingling sensation you get when I throw your curling iron into your bath? That means it's working!!

I cannot wait until all of my 3 daughters are old enough to have PMS/PMT in sync with their mother. A FUCKING emotional jackpot for me!!!

"Are you in yet?" makes me worry I'm not big enough...
"That's the wrong hole!" reminds me I have nothing to worry about.

I've been called a hopeless romantic... I'll agree with the hopeless part.

Told my parents today I am planning on getting a divorce. They won't even tell my wife for me... What kind of fucked up parents are they!!

I wish I could be one of your tears. That way I'd be born in your eyes, caress your cheek, and die kissing your lips.

I spent years meticulously constructing a fortress around my heart, you convinced me to let you in and a dagger was my reward. Thank you.

If I don't go out and buy alcohol soon, one of my kids may not survive tonight.

It's amazing how when you stop desperately searching for something to heal your broken heart, the universe finally responds.

I can tell when my breath smells like shit. I blow into dogs face and she starts licking as though she is going to town on her ass.

So John Carter grew up, went back and fought in the civil war, was then on mars as a super warrior?? Those ER writers are getting desperate!

Body butter is nowhere near as good as I hoped - Jeffrey Dahmer

Get forked #Cutlery

Btw. If I say I love you. There aren’t any caveats or disclaimers. Just take it to the bank!