Man cannot live on bread and water alone...

..this is why we have Kraft Singles

I find it sweet that you make those gagging sounds when performing felatio. But I know I'm not that big and I'm not even hard yet...

I have decided to keep a toothbrush in my mouth while working. If anyone starts talking to me, just start brushing and nod or shake head...

"We are out of beer" - 5 words I hate to hear.

Is clean your own table at McDonalds considered a public service?

I cannot wait until all of my 3 daughters are old enough to have PMS/PMT in sync with their mother. A FUCKING emotional jackpot for me!!!

You know that tingling sensation you get when I throw your curling iron into your bath? That means it's working!!

I wish I could be one of your tears. That way I'd be born in your eyes, caress your cheek, and die kissing your lips.

"Are you in yet?" makes me worry I'm not big enough...
"That's the wrong hole!" reminds me I have nothing to worry about.

If I don't go out and buy alcohol soon, one of my kids may not survive tonight.

Told my parents today I am planning on getting a divorce. They won't even tell my wife for me... What kind of fucked up parents are they!!

I’m beginning to think that you don’t give a shit what I think.

Body butter is nowhere near as good as I hoped - Jeffrey Dahmer

I can tell when my breath smells like shit. I blow into dogs face and she starts licking as though she is going to town on her ass.

I spent years meticulously constructing a fortress around my heart, you convinced me to let you in and a dagger was my reward. Thank you.

So John Carter grew up, went back and fought in the civil war, was then on mars as a super warrior?? Those ER writers are getting desperate!

Hey ladies, my shower webcam is about to turn on!!! Watch me lather up in all the right places. Please don't point & laugh.

Get forked #Cutlery

Hey! Calling me a little prick is uncalled for!
Oh. You said I have a little prick... fair enough!

I've been called a hopeless romantic... I'll agree with the hopeless part.