I like to pretend these bruises came from wild sex, but really they're from getting carried away air drumming with my headphones on

Thanks guy with the same ringtone as my morning alarm. I'm now panicking for no reason

No I'm not texting my girlfriend & when you see how many stars this gets it'll put you in your fucking place so just keep on honking asshole

I'm going to get drunk, start finger painting and post it on my cubical wall saying it's my kid's. Maybe I won't be asked to stay late again

They all laughed when I put "a mean left hook" on my resumé. They're not laughing anymore

If you're a guy and you've never been on the losing end of a fist fight you're unfinished clay. Losing isn't hard, getting back up is

I don't know how you can ride that skateboard wearing high heels girl, but if I was able to catch up to you I'd probably ask you to marry me

Whenever I ride the bus I always pick someone to be my imaginary girlfriend for the rest of the trip

Lightning hit a tree 10 feet away from me. I can still feel the electricity in the air. So this is what it's like to become a highlander

I can't figure out why people don't take my "watch for falling printers" sign directly below my office window seriously

The older I get the more I realize I get more grief for doing things right on purpose than doing things wrong by accident

No I'm not really checking you out. I'm just wondering how much melted plastic it takes you to achieve that look

"Does someone direct traffic or does everyone know who has the right of way?" Questions which remind me why I'll never be invited to an orgy

I hate being asked for advice because my answer is always common sense, but, if common sense really was common,my answer should be redundant

Is it true when you catch the bosses stupidity you become the boss?

I haven't touched the stuff in years but standing in a room filled with cops makes me so paranoid I feel like I'm on "THE POT" again

As I wear panties from a girl I haven't talked to in a few weeks I keep saying to myself "tonight, I'm doing the goddamn laundry"

Rough night last night. Cant tell if I was dreaming a bum was pissing on a passed out me in an alley while I took a hot shower or vise versa

"I don't feel sorry for the guy wearing a sandwich board all day. He's not even doing a job a monkey can do, he's doing a job a sign can do"

You're doing life right if guys fucking hate you and girls want to be hate fucked by you