Women's razor commercials are so stupid. Really, anything marketed towards women is fucking ridiculous.

Any dumb broad can try and ho-strong-arm a man. It takes a lady to know that sexy subtlety wins the race.

If you're a druggie, just...don't. We've all been there. The difference is we MOVED ON. Grow up. Feeling alive doesn't require drugs. Moron.

Hahaha white people singing the chorus of Beck's 'Loser' incorrectly

When in doubt (or depression, or anger, or hopelessness), smoke it out. 🍁🚬

What if things we're super talented at aren't talents at all, but mutations? What if being an exceptional artist means you're a mutant?

I love twitter because it makes me feel like I can provide full disclosure & not give a fuck. Wait--that's all the time. Well. Y'all get it

There is incredible pain in losing a parent, but enormous gratitude for having been blessed w/such an amazing man as my father. <3

I *am* wearing my 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased' halter today. Maybe I'm here to help this rat cope with his recent death.

This lazy-eyed stripper is telling me about her jobs (including a security guard & firefighter) and I don't know which eye to focus on. 👀

Smelling delicious food when you're hungry and cash-strapped is a real motherfucker.

Love it when I say somewhat dumb things and try to cover my ass and make myself sound like the intelligent person I usually am.

That moment you're too early for something and you're tweeting so not to look like that stoner who overestimated time...

It takes balls to unapologetically be who you are, regardless of the world around you. Of this, I am sure, & in this truth I find solace.

For someone who does well in people-oriented jobs, I really fucking dislike most people.

Some pain is so deep it feels like it's breaking you apart from the inside out.

Wal-Mart visits make me want to rush home and bathe in the blood of freshly slaughtered corporate CEOs

If you act like I'm not a priority in your life, don't be surprised when you become less of one in mine.

The DJ just played remix to ignition. Thought of y'all. @dudehugs @rare_basement @negro_joe hahahaha

I only made you a drink and poured it in your hand grenade cup because I had to. If I saw you on the street I'd fucking punch you.