If depression had a sound it would be cat food leaving the can.

"I am woman: Watch me whore!"

-Every woman after a bad breakup

Eating a grilled cheese in bed because fuck dating.

Just watched a documentary on bees. Couldn't stop staring at their furry little stingers...


God it's been forever.

Some kids only exist to be birth-control for the people around them.

My stomach is making Zombie sounds and now I have a craving for human suffering. Typical Tuesday.

I don't have ridiculous standards, I just want to find a man that I like more than beer.


So far beer has won every time.

I am a fucking ninja when it comes to not being noticed by good-looking men.

Soft tacos are just burritos with a bad wrap.

I see you there, with your 24-pack of Coors and your custom skateboard, hollering obscenities at me from the AM/PM parking lot...


Rawr.

The Comcast guy asked me to make sure his cable didn't kink when he pulled it through the hole. This is the most action I've seen in months.

I should start playing my bass again...

It's about time that something in this house got fingered.

I do most of my star-fucking at night. With the lights off. Because I'm a hopeless romantic.

Fuck you, non-alcoholic beverages.

I've been hit on by so many seniors tonight, it's like I'm wearing prune juice perfume.

I ATE ELEVENTY JILLION JELLYBEANS AND MY COMPUTER IS A TELESCOPE AND WE'RE ALL PART OF AN ALIEN SCIENCE EXPERIMENT *passes out on keyboard*

I eat my feelings because no one is eating me.

So, there's that.

I'm a very spirited woman.

About 1500mL worth.

I love seeing people smoke while they're riding a bicycle. It sends the message, "I don't give a fuck" better than most things in life.

"Let's lean against this alley wall and look disinterested."

-Every band photo ever taken