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If depression had a sound it would be cat food leaving the can.
"I am woman: Watch me whore!"
-Every woman after a bad breakup
Eating a grilled cheese in bed because fuck dating.
Just watched a documentary on bees. Couldn't stop staring at their furry little stingers...
God it's been forever.
Some kids only exist to be birth-control for the people around them.
My stomach is making Zombie sounds and now I have a craving for human suffering. Typical Tuesday.
I don't have ridiculous standards, I just want to find a man that I like more than beer.
So far beer has won every time.
I am a fucking ninja when it comes to not being noticed by good-looking men.
Soft tacos are just burritos with a bad wrap.
I see you there, with your 24-pack of Coors and your custom skateboard, hollering obscenities at me from the AM/PM parking lot...
The Comcast guy asked me to make sure his cable didn't kink when he pulled it through the hole. This is the most action I've seen in months.
I should start playing my bass again...
It's about time that something in this house got fingered.
I do most of my star-fucking at night. With the lights off. Because I'm a hopeless romantic.
Fuck you, non-alcoholic beverages.
I've been hit on by so many seniors tonight, it's like I'm wearing prune juice perfume.
I ATE ELEVENTY JILLION JELLYBEANS AND MY COMPUTER IS A TELESCOPE AND WE'RE ALL PART OF AN ALIEN SCIENCE EXPERIMENT *passes out on keyboard*
I eat my feelings because no one is eating me.
So, there's that.
I'm a very spirited woman.
About 1500mL worth.
I love seeing people smoke while they're riding a bicycle. It sends the message, "I don't give a fuck" better than most things in life.
"Let's lean against this alley wall and look disinterested."
-Every band photo ever taken
Who needs beer goggles when you have a biological clock?