If you're ugly, it doesn't matter if you're wearing a cool hat

Holy shit, daytime television is a total mind fuck. I cried 3 times today. No wonder stay at home moms are so insufferable

Was outside when a raccoon shuffled up to me and froze. I quietly whispered "get out of here" and it ran away. I'm the raccoon whisperer.

Just unfollowed someone for making a joke about molestation. That shit's not funny. Not even a little bit.

For Easter, I'm ovulating. Should make the egg hunt interesting.

Best note in response to my resignation ever: "This isn't because I touched your hair and called you a biker chick on friday, is it?"

Dear baby jesus, I'll make you a deal...I'll go to anger management classes if you stop making stupid people

When I see good looking people who know it, and think everyone is clamoring for their attention...I purposely look in the opposite direction

I look forward to a day when everyone has equal rights, and a week like Pride isn't necessary. #happypride

I pretty much get by on my looks. Guess this explains the massive amount of failure I face day to day.

Getting my hair did. Sequence of events: Smoke with hair stylist, listen to her racist rants, colour, cut, smoke, more racial slurs, home

Just saw my ex, and almost waved. Then I remembered she doesn't like me and I laid on the horn and gave her the thumbs up instead.

Sorry, what state is the union in?

Dear jesus...thank you for the long weekend. Sorry about the whole crucifixion thing.

Just caught the cat admiring herself in the mirror. What a narcissistic pussy. I couldn't be more proud if I'd birthed her myself.

Upon further investigation, I don't believe Prince did an adequate job of describing what it sounds like when doves cry

The NRA wants a mental illness registry, so to save time they could just surrender their membership roster.

Keeping this twitter account secret from my friends is getting more and more difficult...I'm so going to get busted...

Overheard at our house this morning: "Take it. Take it, bitch!" What's really happening? I'm giving the dog her medication.

Just saw a guy whose entire face was covered in tattoos. Now there's a man who doesn't have commitment issues, ladies!