@pattonoswalt "You know where you are? I do!! You're on I-476!!! You're gonna driiiive straight for 3 miles, then turn left." Axl Rose, GPS

@normmacdonald One's "a little bit country" and the other IS a country! Please welcome Marie Osmond and the sovereign state of Spain!

Hey, America, you're cool and all but can we please stop doing this shit to each other? #RIPTrayvon #RIPShaima Goddamn.

Roommate called me immature for jumping from chair to couch. Big words from someone standing in a pool of lava.

Hey Obama, pro tip: next time you refer to Paul Ryan as a running mate, do the air quotes thing for "running." It'll kill! #DNC

@guccidointhings Gucci getting all the top scores on Ms. Pac-Man at dentist's office. Names read "Brr" "rrr" "rrr" "rrr" "rrr" "rrr" "rrr"

Chik-Fil-A is awfully sure of itself for a company with an illiterate cow as its mascot.

@johnmoe "Hello, Chuck? It's your cousin! Marvin! Remember that equality you were looking for?"

Rick Rubin just literally distanced himself from Fred Durst at #SummerSlam. That was the greatest thing I've ever seen.

@mike_eagle I get the venues stance. Like what if a discussion of Kierkegaard's idea of the single individual broke out during your art rap?

"I ain't sayin she a gold digger. Frankly, that kind of idle gossip is beneath me. And you." #respectablehiphop

@johnmoe Knock Knock. Who's there? The police. The police who? The police who have unfortunate news regarding your son. #StandUpTragedian

@meechone Glad @crossingbroad is taking the time to acknowledge the true hero - himself - by RT praise of his "coverage."

"I'd hate to be the Vin Diesel that everyone's making fun of on twitter." - Vin Diesel #VinDieselSunday

"You's a hoe. And you's a rake. And you's a a yard cart. This community garden co-op is coming together splendidly!" #respectablehiphop

#YouCantBeMinesIf you're not an explosive device concealed under or on the ground designed to destroy or disable enemy targets.

How I'm annoying people this week: referring to iPhones as "iPhone phones."

Since nobody's awake at this time, I feel safe saying this: I used to be a big fan of Jurassic 5. There. I said it. Feels good.

#ReplaceSpaceJamWithSpaceJam Space Jam

@iamcolinquinn Meanwhile, Vos will be doing the Macarena with Kerri Strug and Justin Guarini at a Best Western in Piscataway.