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Hey, America, you're cool and all but can we please stop doing this shit to each other? #RIPTrayvon #RIPShaima Goddamn.
Roommate called me immature for jumping from chair to couch. Big words from someone standing in a pool of lava.
Hey Obama, pro tip: next time you refer to Paul Ryan as a running mate, do the air quotes thing for "running." It'll kill! #DNC
Chik-Fil-A is awfully sure of itself for a company with an illiterate cow as its mascot.
Rick Rubin just literally distanced himself from Fred Durst at #SummerSlam. That was the greatest thing I've ever seen.
#YouCantBeMinesIf you're not an explosive device concealed under or on the ground designed to destroy or disable enemy targets.
How I'm annoying people this week: referring to iPhones as "iPhone phones."
Since nobody's awake at this time, I feel safe saying this: I used to be a big fan of Jurassic 5. There. I said it. Feels good.
The Wes Anderson of dick and fart jokes. Problem Child fan fiction author.