Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand.

It's funny. I see Tweeters bitching about 42 stars & deleting tweets that don't get 100. Fuck, I'm just happy to tweet & surprised you care.

Having a dog means having to walk the dog, which means having to talk to neighbors who don't wanna talk to you either. Fucking dog.

I love my wife so much that if anything ever happened where we could never have sex again, I swear to god, I'd really miss her.

It takes balls to get a vasectomy.

Never knew how lonely a shit could be till today, when I left my phone on my desk. Damn, Twitter, must I take you everywhere?

Doing shots, just me and the dog. One more and I might be able to take him in a stare-down.

Spelling matters: First come, fist served.

High expectations often lead to disappointment and shallow graves.

Today is the last day of some of your life. So have a good time and shut the fuck up.

I work with words. And I hate typos. But if I like a tweet, I'm gonna star it. This isn't fucking grammar school. Don't be such a dick.

It's Thirsty Thursday - time to go wet my whistle & my wife. That means drinking heavily & slobbering all over her. She seems to like it.

I may be developing a foot fetish. Just got caught staring at a client's feet. She winked & wiggled her toes at me. My sole shivered.

If all the girls with starving pussies met all the boys with lonely cocks, Twitter would become a fucking wasteland.

If I blow your mind will you suck my soul?

Wife's gone to work & I'm going out. Don't worry, she knows. She knows everything. She even knows about you. She'd starfuck you, too.

If you're an obese motherfucker parked in a handicapped spot, I'm gonna rip off one of your diabetic legs & give you a real disability.

Spelling matters: The first cunt is the deepest.

Fuck! I know I'm gonna miss something good. -everybody on Twitter as RL calls them away

Love hanging with my college buddies. What? You're my daughter's college buddies? Fuck. Pass me that joint.