Twitter is perfect for people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to talk.

My birthday suit used to fit much better than this...

I am starting to think last year is gonna be my year..

Since being on twitter, I no longer avoid eye contact while eating a banana.....in fact, I wait for someone to be around before eating it.

Wrote a joke about sex but I don't get it.......

As soon as my alarm goes off my bed gets 158% more comfortable.

Hair up or hair down? Doesn't matter, some lucky bastard is gonna be pulling it anyway

What do I win for most consecutively unstarred tweets?

Can't help but feel bad for my oldest son. Being the practice child and all....

I can never get this sexting thing right...whenever I am asked what I am doing, I am too honest. Apparently 'eating oreos' isn't sexy...

I need a haircut, a beer, a cheeseburger, a massage and to have lots of loud sweaty sex. The order and who gets me what is irrelevant.

I have always been chastised for being a heartless douchbag........now I am being applauded for it!!

Someone should have taken me to dinner instead of making me eat that shit I made my kid eat.

I am not one to tweet about my vagina or tits....but I damn sure will tell you they are pretty fucking nice.

Just by reading what some of you have done or will do, makes it burn when I pee.

Everyone has that one friend that needs to get laid........well, my friends do.

I wish every night was cereal for dinner night.....

Hey guys that look hot from behind, stop fucking turning around!

It saddens me that the only boxes getting filled around here are the ones I am putting my books in.

Just watched this woman check her nose then fix her boobs before going into the bank. Ok, it was me....