It's always a moment of frustration and disgust when you find out that your Nutty Bar has one stale side and one fresh side.

"JUSTIN BIEBER IS ROMEO 2.0" News flash, beliebers, ROMEO DIES AT THE END OF ROMEO & JULIET. Idiots.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Steve Buscemi's teeth have a life of their own.

I have two smiles: the one where I look like a hillbilly and one where I look like I have Bell's Palsy.

I have such a food addiction, I've thought of going in a Cool Ranch Dorito dress for prom this year.

I once had a lizard named Lizzie. I think my lizard killed itself because of the stupid name I gave it.

Every time you use hashtags on Facebook, a squirrel runs up a baby's back.

Dolly Parton goes through eyeliner and false lashes like I go through Oreos.

Cleaning out my hairbrush shows me that I could make ginger-colored sweaters for the poor.

In Biology, my friends and I came up with nicknames for one another. My friend Allen nicknamed me "Prom Night Dumpster Baby". ROFL

Danish Wedding Cookies are my spirit animal.

The teenage girl's badly misspelled status was quasi-didactic as she signed it with a sage bible quote and multiple emoticons.

I bet Katy Perry smells like Willy Wonka's trashcans.

HOLY CRAP. I smell phenomenal, like Old Spice and Yves Saint Laurent perfume.

Tumblr for mobile web is about as bad as holidays at Casey Anthony's house.

I'm suing L'Oreal. This mascara isn't long-lasting. Unless my tears are acid or some shit like that.

Hey, parents giving their children nature-based names, stop that.

My dog is borderline obese. Perhaps she needs to go on the Bark-kins Diet. *cymbals crash in tasteless joke format*

Wait wait wait just a minute. "E.T." got nominated for FIVE FREAKING VMA'S?! What has this world come to?

Mrs. Ramirez casually said to me, "Camryn, please come to my room at 7:30 Friday morning." WTF?? *sigh*