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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I'm shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Neighbor thinks I'm stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I'm so lazy that when I die, my tombstone will say "may he continue to rest".
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It's me...talking to the vodka.
My dad annoyed my mom calling her "Mother of 7" until the day she called him "Father of 4".
If you fuck up, just say "I'm sorry, I fucked up." Don't try to excuse your way out of it, motherfucker. You fucked up, own it.
When I wear my Transformers t-shirt, I also have to wear a life jacket, just in case a tidal wave of pussy comes my way.
I just saw a picture on Instagram of a tweet complaining about a status on Facebook.
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
I spent thirty minutes finding the right porn to masturbate to only to come in two minutes.
My 6 year old son tried to make me my usual breakfast this morning. So cute.
Poor kid just makes the worst vodka tonics ever, though.
I masturbated thinking about me masturbating to her masturbating to me masturbating.
Masturbationception
Cop: That was a one way. Didn't you see the arrow?
Me: I didn't even see the Indian.
Cop: ...
Me: ...
Cop: ...
Me: ...
Cop: ...
Me: .
Girlfriend broke up with me because she couldn't handle all of the amazing sex I would give her.
Also, because I lie too much.
I don't get me. I'll lick a girl's asshole, but you better not dare add pickles to my hamburger.
They call me the "Vagina Destroyer". Well, my mom calls me that, because I was a big baby.
Me: We were so happy 2 years ago.
Girlfriend: But we've only dated 1 year.
Me: Exactly.
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro, sink-o.
Before you unfollow me, just remember that I have dimples.
