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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I'm shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Neighbor thinks I'm stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I'm so lazy that when I die, my tombstone will say "may he continue to rest".
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It's me...talking to the vodka.
My dad annoyed my mom calling her "Mother of 7" until the day she called him "Father of 4".
Our bodies are 78% water? I'm about to walk on someone and be 78% Jesus.
Boss: You can't drink while you're working!
Me: Oh, I'm not working.
If you fuck up, just say "I'm sorry, I fucked up." Don't try to excuse your way out of it, motherfucker. You fucked up, own it.
When I wear my Transformers t-shirt, I also have to wear a life jacket, just in case a tidal wave of pussy comes my way.
I just saw a picture on Instagram of a tweet complaining about a status on Facebook.
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
I spent thirty minutes finding the right porn to masturbate to only to come in two minutes.
My 6 year old son tried to make me my usual breakfast this morning. So cute.
Poor kid just makes the worst vodka tonics ever, though.
I masturbated thinking about me masturbating to her masturbating to me masturbating.
Cop: That was a one way. Didn't you see the arrow?
Me: I didn't even see the Indian.
Girlfriend broke up with me because she couldn't handle all of the amazing sex I would give her.
Also, because I lie too much.
I don't get me. I'll lick a girl's asshole, but you better not dare add pickles to my hamburger.
They call me the "Vagina Destroyer". Well, my mom calls me that, because I was a big baby.
Me: We were so happy 2 years ago.
Girlfriend: But we've only dated 1 year.
The only humans that really don't give a fuck are toddlers.
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro, sink-o.
Before you unfollow me, just remember that I have dimples.