If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself. I can't stand the sound of clapping.

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

If I answer the phone, it was by accident while I was trying to hit ignore.

I always carry around a cardboard cutout of Lady Gaga in case I'm ever the ugliest person in a room.

I've heard people say that obesity runs in their family. By the looks of them though, nothing runs in their family.

Don't be afraid to take chances. People named Chance deserve to be kidnapped.

Starbucks really knows how to put the "fee" in coffee.

What do fat whales get compared to?

"You seem to be enjoying that entirely too much. Let me ruin it for you." - Person who created the veggie burger.

I just rolled a joint. To be more specific, it was my ankle. And I'm in pain.

If a man grows a mustache in a forest and no one's around to see, is it still glorious? Answer: Yes

I think my problem, is that I immediately fall in love with any girl who likes Star Wars...so basically I never fall in love.

"Hey man, no worries. I'm just joshin with ya!" - A very uncool person.

I like to stare at girls' foreheads until they become self conscious and order Proactiv.

Sorry Electric Avenue, but I think I'll stick to Acoustic Boulevard. I really don't need to be taken higher.

I judge how good my days are based on my milk to cereal ratio every morning.

I'll only follow you if you're hilarious. Or hot. Or have lots of money and are willing to share. Or if you ask. But that's it!

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, wondering why I suddenly had a sex change.

I'm totally looking forward to celebrating 13/13/13!!

So, when someone steals your tweet, it means you're popular...right?