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What do a piano and a fish have in common? Neither one is a squirrel.
Checking your phone to see what time it is and checking it again because the first time you weren't paying attention.
Futilely waste 10 seconds of your life, then walk away and dry your hands on your pants ~instructions on a restroom hand dryer
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike?
Someone threw a washing machine at him.
The worst part of becoming a Master of the Pan Flute is knowing that, one day, I will have to destroy my sensei in an epic pan flute battle.
I work with kids because every time I walk into a class they all come and hug me at the same time and say Ms.Jessica! That's why.
How to lose weight:
Turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right.
Repeat this exercise whenever offered food.
#SSVSpringSki RT @tfriss: @tfriss: Shredding the slopes May long at @sunshinevillage http://instagram.com/p/ZdsxD7sFqW/
Haven't read a mustard chirp in a while. @oracheski @tfriss. Thought of you Rod. pic.twitter.com/dwmOHMCZRv
Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
Vin Diesel says Facebook owes him billions of $ for his social media expertise.
He later took credit for "fast cars" & "things going boom."
Whenever I HAVE to be somewhere and its like thirty minutes before, I have a unrelenting fear that my clocks are set an hour behind.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, and a hieroglyph.
They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.
Every single word of #TheGreatGatsby printed on one shirt. pic.twitter.com/Hqc6cQjvUl
Writer of jokes for many late night talk show hosts and an impulsive liar.
