"I get bi with a little help from my friends" - drunk girls

Every night before I fall asleep I like to whisper to myself, "Annnnnnndddd scene."

"Four whores and seven beers ago" - awesome Abraham Lincoln

Whenever I'm golfing and someone yells "fore" I immediately scream "skin." My father-in-law no longer invites me to his country club

Dear white people: When you're at the club, you don't have to take instructions in songs so literally

I am legitimately worried that people will start to lose interest in Betty White, forcing her to release a sex tape to stay relevant

I thought twitter was free. Before you join no one tells you the costs like a backup battery and your relationship

When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can't open my eyes under water

Dear straight guys: you can stop telling people you were hit on by a gay dude. The "gay" is redundant.

Siri, write a 100 star tweet for me

The only reason to be married is to have someone to bitch to about how no one recognized the genius of your non-retweeted tweets

The way I'm gonna explain sex to my daughter is w/ actual birds and bees so hopefully the experience is so traumatic she'll never do it

I react to the phrase "open bar" the way my dog reacts to everything

I could diagnose you with at least 4 personality disorders based solely on your timeline

We just voted for someone on The Voice, so on the gay scale from Neil Patrick Harris to Liberace, I'd say we're about a Ryan Seacrest

I wonder if Pitbull and Michael Vick are friends

I don't even know what moth balls look like because my eyesight isn't good enough to see their tiny testicles

If your comeback is touché, I'm gonna come back with douché

If I'm an acquired taste, I guess you better start licking

Dear everyone not following me: Stop playing hard to get, I'm not into playing these games