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Just laying in bed, thinking about what Kareem Abdul Jabar does with all the friendship bracelets I send him
Based on Law & Order, I think it's safe to assume that over 73% of New Yorkers have discovered a dead body
I bet if dogs' butts tasted like ice cream, we would never know, because anyone who found out would never be to tell anyone
To add insult to injury, all the gays in the country celebrate the supreme court decisions with impromptu tea parties
It makes me so sad to see homeless man drunk in the middle of day because it reminds me that I'm sober
My biggest fear is my boss calling me into his office to ask me what the difference is between a stalactite and a stalagmite
Nothing stresses me out more than when I have to poop while my cleaning lady is at my house
Mexicans must not have allergies
Today I texted my mom to let her know that if I could have any mom in the world, I would probably choose Helen Mirren
Walmart steaks are just tasty laxatives
I'd say my style is aggressively casual
No Paula Deen. What I think you meant to say is, "Why has everyone gotten their KNICKERS in a twist about all of this?"
I became a sports fan so that I could use watching sports as an excuse to drink, drastically reducing accusations of alcoholism
And for your crimes against humanity, your sentence is wearing a Pandora charm bracelet from Jared for the rest of your miserable life
Ask that owl how many licks it takes to get to the center of a sexual harassment scandal
I dont roundhouse kick the urinal to flush it b/c I'm a germaphobe. I roundhouse kick the urinal to flush it because it's awesome and I can.
Does anyone know how to block a number? Kanye West keeps calling me to ask if I know where he can get his hands on some birf control
Guys with small wieners are just not that into you
I hope to one day be muscular enough to wear a size Small
I was so disgusted when my grandma said she couldn't remember the last time she showered, but to be fair, she does have dementia
When I grow up I want to be a TV judge who only hears gay divorce cases