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I don't know how they turn the goat into cheese, but it's delicious!
for an ugly girl you sure post a lot of selfies, mom
I'd be more worried if you liked me.
Just walked in on my cousin changing & it was super awkward seeing her naked because we always have sex with the lights off
5yo: Thunder happens when God is bowling!
Me: HAHA! Black guys don't bowl!
girls can read!?
I told you it was gonna get stuck that way!
-Steve Buscemi's mom
Gonna open a store called "Forever 35" which only sells ponchos, thigh masters and Smirnoff Ice.
The closest I ever get to twerking is when the last stubborn piece won't drop off into the toilet.
Ya'll gonna make me eat some Ritz crackers, up in here, up in here
If I learned anything from Home Alone, its that you can follow a Hobo into an abandoned building and they will be your guardian angel.
I'd totally adopt Leonardo DiCaprio if he showed up at my door. So, I get it Maggie Seaver, I get it.
Enter: A hummer in a circus ring, a single midget clown exits. OH SNAP BETCHA THOUGHT LIKE A BAZILLION NORMAL CLOWNS WOULD STUMBLE OUT LOLZ
SOMEBODY INSTAGRAM A PHOTO OF THEIR FEET AT THE BEACH WITH THE OCEAN IN THE BACKGROUND THIS IS AN EMERGENCY
Americans worrying about whether Cap'n Crunch is really a Captain or not is 35% of why the terrorists hate us.
So....it turns out, cops don't like it when you try to kiss them.
I'm writing the sequel to 127 Hours about the time I got stuck in a Walgreens blood pressure machine
"But I don't want to kiss," says Scalia. "Sorry, we have to now," says Alito. "It's the law." They embrace.
Supreme Court strikes down part of DOMA. In a horrible confirmation of our worst fears, everyone rushes to marry a dog.
When I grow up I want to be a TV judge who only hears gay divorce cases