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Trying to figure out which client to bill for my 90 minute dance party to Applause on repeat
What animal comes after prairie dog?
If Jesus loves me then he has terrible judgment and you should question everything you believe in
And for your crimes against humanity, your sentence is wearing a Pandora charm bracelet from Jared for the rest of your miserable life
When I try to whistle it just looks like I'm having an asthma attack
What comes after morbidly? That's the type of obese I want to be
Great news! I've only gained 6 pounds since starting my diet yesterday
MISSING: MY BALLS
Hot water heater broke.
Took a shower.
Haven't seen them since.
Reward: $1 million billion
Stop letting Jay Z ruin your songs. There are better ways to show that you're down with black people.
I like to think that football tacklers are just super amazing huggers
I'd be funnier on twitter but the US Marshall told me that the Witness Protection Program limits its participants to 100 followers
Yom kippur is a real boner shrinker
I've got to stop partying like it's 1999 because in 1999 I was still drinking Milwaukee's Best and Mad Dog 20/20
Every time the metro doors open it smells like a pile of yeast-infected vaginas that were repeatedly struck by lightning
Someone should write a rap about how I'm sitting here sippin on Keurig coffee and snackin on grapes like a mother fuckin baller
A pregnant lady about to go into labor is just a slip and slide waiting to happen
Hey Obama, why so Syria?
If you got it, flaunt it. Except if the "it" is pictures of your children.
When I grow up I want to be a TV judge who only hears gay divorce cases