Text to my wife: I love you sweety pie
Auto corrected to: I love you sweaty pig

Anyone have a room to rent?

My dad: wanna hear a joke?

Me: sure

Him: pussy

Me: I don't get it

Him: Exactly

BAD: waking up with a penis drawn on your face..


WORSE: realizing it was an outline

I saw on a cooking show, that you can batter food with leftover beer....


What is leftover beer?

Average American walks 900 miles a year, drinks 22 gallons of alcohol..

Shit that's 41 miles per gallon!!

makes ya proud to be American

A woman with out curves is like pants without pockets, you just don't know what to do with your hands..

Turns out people can still hear you if you're wearing sunglasses..

KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already...

I think we should just be friends with sexual tension....

Wal-Mart calls them self-checkouts, I call them, I might not pay for some of this..

Whenever I'm feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down..

I'm not fat..

I'm just easy to see..

Men who don't understand women fall into two categories...

1) Bachelors

2) Husbands

Boobs are proof that men can concentrate on two things at once..

If I really lived every day like it's my last, I would have diabetes and multiple STD's.

You had me at "I bet I can get that whole thing in my mouth"

Whenever I see someone in a turban, I tell them my 3 wishes just in case...

Damn baby, your birthday suit doesn't fit anymore..

I'd tell my boss to fuck off but he'd probably delegate that to me too..

Laptop speakers...

To quite for music..

To loud for porn..