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I'm a firm believer that if you have a favorite "Real Housewife," you should be stripped of your right to vote (and to have children).
"YOU GOT THIS, GURL! xoxo" --Casey Anthony text to Jodi Arias
In honor of Henry Hill, let's all snort mountains of coke, stuff hookers in trunks, and pistol whip our neighbors tomorrow. #Goodfellas #RIP
Beyoncé may have lip-synched the national anthem at Obama's inauguration, but more importantly, it wasn't Kid Rock lip-synching at Romney's.
That noise was Joe Biden tripping over a coffee table backstage. #MockTheVote #OpenBar
Gonna go out on a limb and guess Michaele Salahi's favorite Journey song is 'Faithfully.' #hereallweek
What's everyone so pissed about? Mark Wahlberg DID prevent 9/11. #FactsWithoutWikipedia
In case you're wondering, Facebook is down because the National Spelling Bee is the Super Bowl for the people who should be fixing Facebook.
Tim Tebow's gonna be heartbroken when he finds out his dead boyfriend Jesus is made up.
Taco Bell and Sebastian #FatBands
Sesame Street turns 43 years old today. Thanks to our 44th president and Obamacare, Big Bird will live to see 44.
Let's get a nice slow clap going for whoever decided to schedule National High Five Day on Holocaust Remembrance Day. #oops
It's 9:58! If you're debating "Breaking Bad or Keeping Up with the Kardashians?", do mankind a favor & pour boiling water on your genitals.
George W. Bush threw that first pitch almost as nonchalantly as when he sent thousands of American soldiers to die for profit. #WorldSeries
Orange You Glad It's Not Yours #SnookiBabyNames
Touchdown By An Angel #TebowMovieTitles
LMFAO to call it quits. Great day for music, America and humanity. Sailors kissing nurses, dogs cuddling cats, Paul Ryan crying during P90X.
At 11:11 on 11/11/11, I'm working for Harvey Levin. Go figure.
Joker, smoker, occasional midnight toker | Formerly funny for @TMZ, @JimmyKimmelLive | Currently funny at @WitStreamdotcom, @TacoBell | Proud @UofA alum. BTFD.