'mommy is he a transformer?' - my 3 year old asking about a man with a metal prosthetic leg.

this just in: serena williams is really wesley snipes.

adele's music is the fat girl's suicide note, in the form of a song.

watching the fat girl in class show off her tattoos to the white guy with the freshly pierced ears makes me weep for the future.

may you never see the faces i make on the elliptical

get ready guys, angelina jolie and her veiny man arms is doing a movie where she plays a spy/assassin, to show us her range as an actress.

i imagine snooki looks like those feral pigs you disect in anatomy without any clothes on

tom brady is still going to go home and get some pity sex from his billionaire supermodel wife so ask yourself who the real winner is here

"mommy, what are they singing?"- my 3 year old son, asking about the chinese nail technicians speaking to each other at the salon yesterday.

someone remind me again how kirk cameron is a relevant and productive member of society whose opinion is worthy of consideration at all

the fact that i'm completely devastated i missed cell block 6: female lockup speaks volumes of my lack of friends and normal social life.

just spent 5 frantic minutes looking for my phone WHILE i was on it talking to my mom, in case it looks like i have my shit together.

watching anderson loosen up after a single glass of champagne is a really important factor in my life goal of sleeping with him

not only is this a day to remember the lives lost on 9/11 we should also think of innocent life lost in iraq and afghanistan

trying to measure my bloatedness on a scale of 1 to christina aguilera

we're muslim so on this, the holiest of christian nights, my mom and i are watching the bet awards and discussing rick ross's cholesterol.

if i had bridesmaids, i'd probably hate the way they looked in every dress and call them fat and ugly and thats why i have no friends

on the elliptical thinking about how amazing my cigarette will taste soon as i'm off this thing

just did a 20 minute presentation on contraceptives in subsaharan africa and now i'm on the couch eating gummi bears watching jersey shore

if you've invited me to your house, there is a 100% chance i've gone through your medicine cabinet and know about your herpes outbreak.