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If you start a text message with my name, I immediately assume I'm in trouble.
My fridge contains a ketchup bottle. Purchased during the Bush administration. & medications. For chronic UTIs. I totally have it altogether
Somehow managed to bring my sick mother a case of "[her] least favorite bottled water." How is everyone in @southsudan this fine evening?
please don't wear open toe sandals if your toes look like they are throwing up gang signs
Muslims vow to make USA pay because of one asshole. Can you imagine us doing that to a country? We did? To Iraq? Oh right.
I teach how to be a reality star in my latest @grantland33 article. Enjoy and please RT!!! http://t.co/Yst9ZqHm
Guys, it's almost Wrestlemania time, or as Stacy Keibler calls it, The Weekend I Hope George Doesn't Ask For Details About What I Used To Do
Twitter is where the brilliant but socially inept reign. Your looks and fancy car won't help you here. This is clever people's territory.
Lil' Wayne is out here rapping about being a Blood and kidnapping people while wearing jeggings with a skateboard in his hand.
The worst eye contact is "I tried to close the elevator door on you but you made it & we both know what I did" eye contact.
Adam Levine's heart may be a stereo but his penis is definitely a vagina.
Dance like you aren't depressed. Sing like you didn't kill that homeless guy. Love like you don't have herpes.
"@mia_mbd: Chris Brown Is Amazing is trending!!!!! Ahhhhh love himm sooo muchhhhh!!!" You should date him so he can break your jaw for me.
No Wal-Mart safari is complete without encountering the Buttery Biscuit Brigade, the Bulging Braless Behemoth, and Beefy Buttcrackimus Rex.
The only thing worse than using the bathroom at someone's house is finding out they are one of those shitty-toilet-paper-wastebasket people.
A social network is like a nightclub; once your mother shows up, it's time to get the fuck out of there and find a new place.
I hate it when an unknown rapper begins a song with; "Yeah, you already know what it is." Nah, nigga. I don't.
enter generic bio about how great i am here.
