Anyone know where I can get a new Mayan calendar? Mine is fixing to run out.

I think Monday the 13th is worse than Friday the 13th. 

Seen on a 18 wheeler. "Be a flirt, lift your shirt". So I did.

I don't want to sound racist, but all the Kardashians look the same to me.

Your tweet wasn't worthy of a RT, but I'll steal it and claim it as mine. 

Sometimes I'll turn my phone on airplane mode just so I can feel like I'm traveling.

@jodiannarias you might have avoided the disaster if you hadn't of killed him.

Just to cover a few of the key twitter words for today. Unicorns. Bacon. Kittens. Ok now that that's done I can get to business.

If you follow me thank you. If you don't thank a teacher. 

If I ever see you in public I'm going to have you autograph your avi. 

All you People favoriting my tweets, are you stealing them for yourselves? I hope not. They aren't very good.

I'm confused. The Hunger Games isn't about adventures at lunchtime?

I think it's so cool I can learn everything about you in 140 characters or less.

I'm a rebel without a clue.

I'll look in the suitcases at Goodwill to see if any smugglers left anything in the linings. 

I'm not going to follow somebody based on your recommendation.  

Im putting my best foot forward.  Because the other one is deformed.  makes it hard for me to stand.  

I tweet with an English accent because everything is funny with an English accent.

Before you get upset, get all the facts. Then justifiably get upset at the right people.

100th person to retweet this will get nothing.