I miss the days when having a baby meant you fucked up and I was better than you

It would be cool if LA gangs got tired of graffiti and got super into sculpture

I bought regular milk at the Trader Joe's on Vine and they told me I can't live in L.A. anymore

I'm so glad flubber is not a real thing cause it would stress me the fuck out

Not telling anybody about the pizza I just ate, it was personal

My writing process is equal parts finding the right Spotify playlist and spilling coffee all over my couch.

I need more closure after TV car chases end. Why did he run? Did he steal the car? Is he in love? Mostly I wanna know of he's in love

Drinking a glass of wine alone feels so sexy in NY and so sad in LA. But I'll struggle through, don't worry guys.

"Who's Brooklyn Decker?" is right up there with "I do" in favorite things my husband has ever said.

“@disney: “Everyone needs deadlines.” - Walt Disney” I don't follow Disney on twitter for shit like this. How bout a pic of Alladin?

Watching Olympians achieve their dreams while I change into my third pajama shirt of the night, first two covered in chocolate.

MTV please turn off Teen Mom 2 and play every Whitney music video. Come on, we all need this.

I bet Leslie Mann is sick of hearing herself say she really needs to cool it on the Thai food

Every company's dumb April Fools thing you hate is making me laugh. I'm easy guys, I just like having fun!

I put on mascara AND bb cream tonight so like, I'm basically about to blow Hollywood up.

Got an email that I get ten percent off a bikini wax tomorrow if I vote. Voting Obama so I can do whatever I want with my vagina after.

Best thing about being home alone on a Friday night? Trans vaginal mesh commercials.

If you leave your bra on staying in feels just like going out

"It came true!" -the new pope

My nephew just forwarded me a video of him playing lead guitar with a jam band called Dank Sinatra. Everything is amazing.