why is it that so many women lookin for a sugar daddy settle for an artificial sweetener daddy?

any women out there lookin for a high fructose corn sweetener daddy?

the next time your coworker asks: "would you say that i'm fat?" reply: "only behind your back to someone else."

Ladies, if u want guys to look at ur eyes while ur talking, then u need to use more pushup eyeliner & show more eye cleavage.

i watch porn for the same reason i watch nat geo. i like to learn about people & places i'll never visit & adventures i'll never have.

the next time your coworker asks you what their worst feature is, reply: you asking what your worst feature is.

my friend said he needed my help to pick up an alien transmission. turned out he just needed a ride to get a part for his subaru.

Ya know, it says a lot about a place, when all of the 4 letter words on the wall of the men's room at a gas station, are misspelled.

A woman behind me at the store undressed me with her eyes, then immediately redressed me and added a large overcoat and a stocking cap.

I already make great breakfast, lunch, dinner & sandwiches, so you'll need a better reason than: "i'll make you a sandwich afterwards".

I bet ur still wondering how all those packets of Mongolian Barbecue Sauce, wound up next to the KY Jelly and Sex Toys in your night stand.

got some great feedback from a computer salesman yesterday, said i sound just like the maniacal serial killer character in the "Saw" movies.

when ur GF mentions free milk, cow & marriage in a sentence; reply: baby, no matter how much milk u give me, i'll never think of u as a cow.

only way i'll be honest with a woman is if she dresses up like Wonder Woman, ties me up with her golden lasso & forces me to tell the truth.

a woman would have to be crazy to date me and i don't date crazy women.

DIY all day energy boost: crush 20 caffeine tabs, mix with butter, smear on large bandaid, apply to neck over jugular vein. You're welcome.

Thought i saw a street performer holding a bunch of chia pets in his mouth. turned out he was a homeless guy that hadn't brushed his teeth.

Somewhere in some small town in Germany, lives a guy named Otto Korekt, who has a major inferiority complex.

i do not hate humanity, just a few carefully selected individuals.

nice guys do finish last, and make sure their lady has lotsa orgasms.