This thing I use for Twitter just rang and scared the shit out of me.

Some of you have more tweets in a day than I have actual thoughts.

That awkward moment when you're digging a hole to hide a body and you find another body.

A girl who won't shave = Sascrotch?

I tend to believe people who like big butts, because they cannot lie.

I just ran with scissors, it wasn't the rush I'd hoped it would be.

Someday we're going to look back at this and laugh...It will however be an uncomfortable laugh and there will be no eye contact.

My phone just changed "do it" to "robot". It's not all about you droid.

If the cops ask I was with you guys all night.

Coworker just felt the need to inform me that it's 6 months to Christmas so I asked her how long until she realizes she's an annoying bitch.

If you don't think foreplay is important, try going down a water slide without the water.

Someone referred to my friend as a "beer connoisseur", I had to correct them as he is actually just a drunk.

That awkward moment when you try to sign a friend up on a gay dating site as a joke and their email address is already in use.

The next time twitter goes down I'm going to buy some gold star stickers and put them on people's foreheads when they say something I like.

Remember, it's only kinky the first time.

If she's able to walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich without her legs giving out on her after sex then you don't deserve one.

I really need to figure out what my "come talk to me" look is so I can stop making it while I'm at work.

If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one's around to hear it then who gives a fuck if it makes a sound or not?

I'm sorry, did you just say you "warshed" your hands?

I didn't realize today is piss Jim off day. I guess that means tomorrow will be find the dead bodies day.