I'm getting REAL fucking sick of some of you assuming all Americans are assholes. Some of us are amazing. So fuck you.

I wish you guys could hear me use the word "fuck" in a sentence. I think you'd be really impressed with the inflection.

Today was fucking weird. Remind me to never stop drinking again.

Okay, random waffles that have been in my oven since Sunday morning, you've made your point.

The answer is, yes. Gummy bears DO come alive at night and try to eat their way out of your stomach.

I'm really embracing my coworkers' fear of me.

I've just unlocked the "FUCK YOU" badge on whatever goddamn place you guys fucking go to to annoy the fuck out of me. Knock it off.

If you're a girl and you don't have any girlfriends, chances are you're an asshole.

Internet's down so I'm getting to know my coworkers and now I hate everyone. :(

Dear People Who Look Like Meth Addicts,


Using your real face for your avi is probably not the best idea.

Love & Hugs,

Me

#ff @blarebare but don't look at his avi unless you want to get pregnant.

My mother plants things in old bathtubs and broken toilets in case you were wondering how red my neck is.

If you do more yoga, eat healthier, don't take drugs, drink tea instead of booze, you're still gonna die. So, carry on.

If you don't follow @thehouseofvon @alittlelucidity @genericwahlberg and @leahbonnema, you might be a dummy. And nobody likes a dummy.

God, I hope I don't run into anyone I know ever again.

I hate people who talk.

I can make things happen by just thinking of them, which proves I'm a unicorn. Possibly the last. And while I'm at it, fuck you Mia Farrow.

Listen, if you're not cute, don't wear sparkly shirts. There's no reason to highlight that shit.

This girl is only nice to guys and she's a total cunt to girls and now all I can think about is squeezing the life out of her face.

I think it's possible that we've all missed the point.