I never submitted a resume to work for this law firm, just a photo marked exhibit A with a post it note that says.. Remember me? I'm 18 now.

I really don't know where the comma goes, but if I take a breath while I'm typing, that's where I'm freaking, putting it.

I don't know why people jumping off bridges to end their life never do a cannonball or flips. Fucking up the landing isn't really an issue.

My friend's daughter told me she wants to be a garbage man when she grows up because they only work one day a week. I'm glad she's pretty.

The only friends I poke on Facebook are the dead ones. I don't know why I find that so funny.

When women ask me how I stay skinny it's just easier to answer I don't eat as much as you.

Has anybody ever finished a game of monopoly without saying... That's enough, you can just have all of my money and property, you win.

It scares me that some of you people have reproduced.

The next time I get an email about a high school reunion, I'm going to reply that I died.

My new social Low: I was with a friend who said something funny and I actually responded by saying Laughing Out Loud.

I still wish my car horn sounded like gun shots. That would make driving so much more entertaining.

Try to imagine Fran Drescher being the voice on your GPS system.

I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.

I'd like to work at a fortune cookie company for a day. Every message would say that wasn't chicken and would be short one lottery number.

If you're talking to me and I light a 2nd cigarette before I finish the 1st one, you should just shut up and walk away.

My neighbor told me her cat died. I couldn't think of anything else to say besides I have a lot of shoeboxes but no shovel.

There's too many people making more people.

I don't really understand people that don't agree with me.

I hate waitresses always asking if I need anything when my mouth is full. Tonight, I spit my food out on the table just to say no thanks.

I'm thinking about giving my bra to this man in front of me just because I think I'd look better without one than he does.